Final Reflection: Amanda Rutter

It has been two days since I last awoke in Hostal Amador Familiar, anxiously awaiting what a new day in Panama might bring to enrich the lives of me and my classmates. It has been odd how quickly my life has adjusted back to normal after what seemed like a simultaneous physical and mental departure from my commonplace life here in Tampa. Once I finally had time to sit down and personally reflect on my experiences, I realized that although this trip was at times difficult for me, it has truly changed my perspective and persona. Even though the changes may be subtle and nearly unnoticeable, I have garnered a stronger desire to make the most positive impact that I can in the places where it is needed most.

I don’t think that there really is any way that someone could truly prepare themselves for an experience like the one that my classmates and I had on Panamanian soil. Of course, I felt intellectually prepared from the various discourses we had had for nearly a full semester prior to our departure. The film The Panama Deception had unveiled my eyes to certain aspects of Panama’s history; Dr. Ann DeBaldo had discussed facets of the Panamanian healthcare system; and Christy Burke had lightheartedly illustrated the importance of learning as a volunteer. But did I remember any of that when I was holding a tiny infant in my arms at Nutre Hogar? Not really. While volunteering in Panama, I felt that I couldn’t really concentrate on anything else. It was as if my sole purpose in existence was to be there, on that particular day, interacting with whatever child I had the fortunate opportunity to cross paths with in that transitory instant. I thought about the children’s intense struggle to survive each and every day. While in-country, it was hard for me to envision my life outside of the sphere of service. I inevitably missed certain aspects of home, but it was hard to think about going back. These children, whom I may never see again, may have been temporarily safe and currently on their way to being restored to good health, but who knows whether they would continue to receive the love and attention that they so desperately needed once we were gone?

Our short time in Panama reminded me a lot of one of the articles that we read in class before the trip, titled “To Hell with Good Intentions.” In it, the author (Ivan Illich) described a type of volunteerism in which those intending to good actually end up doing more harm because of the short time span devoted to beginning what could be a long-term project before leaving. However, even though the duration of our stay at each volunteer site inevitably lasted just a few hours, I feel that our entire group really made a lasting impression. I was so proud of all of my classmates who tried to speak Spanish in order to truly understand the stories of the children at Casa Esperanza. And, as many of our group members noted, even just the few extra hours of nurturing that we shared with the babies at Nutre Hogar could very well have created a subconscious influence that might endure for a lifetime.

Oddly enough, I still feel like I have not had enough time to fully process everything that I saw on this trip. For the past week, I have been overwhelmed with mixed emotions of simultaneous happiness and sadness. When I was flying to Panama last Friday, I never could have guessed what this experience would bring me. It has made me want to work even harder in school so that I really can realize my dream of becoming a physician to help children like the ones that we met in Panama. I never want to be the type of person that is ignorant to these problems in the world. It is so easy to be consumed with one’s own life and not acknowledge the good fortune and prosperity that surrounds us every day.

While in Panama, I feel like our group was lucky to have really experienced the full range of ethnicity that the country had to offer. Although it was sometimes difficult to transition from the mindset of volunteering to that of being a more relaxed “visitor,” in a foreign country, it was worth it because we accomplished so much during our one-week sojourn. El Valle was absolutely gorgeous, and showed the Panamanian terrain through a more organic aspect. And I still had fun zip lining, even though it was a somewhat painful experience! One of my favorite parts of the trip (when we were not volunteering) was visiting the three different types of hospitals: the Children’s Hospital, Parque Lefevre Community Health Center, and Policlínica de El Marañón. Even though some parts of these healthcare centers were disheartening (for example, the absence of an elevator to the second-floor physical therapy unit in the community health center), it was interesting to see what lies outside of the contemporary boundaries of the facilities that I am used to seeing in Florida, particularly in USF Health. Although I would have liked to see what a private hospital looked like just for comparison purposes, I assume that it would not have differed much from private hospitals in the U.S. After meeting Dr. Elías Bonilla’s, I realized that I really admired his personality. He is the type of physician that I aspire to be. He was so warm and lighthearted, but you could tell that he took his job seriously. And he was not interested in the monetary aspect of medicine. Towards the end of the trip, at the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute (STRI), I thought of my mom and how happy she would be to work in a place like that. I felt that the STRI really focused on understanding biodiversity to propose a more promising future for our ecosystems. Visiting the U.S. Embassy and the Panama Canal combined to form a beautiful conclusion to our time spent learning in Panama. Even though I did not completely agree with Ambassador Stephenson’s approach to some of the conflicts and issues in Panama, I do think that she (and her colleaugues) provided an insight to the gateways with which some of us may be able to help countries like Panama in the future.

Did it feel odd to come back home? Most definitely. I think about the children that I was so fortunate to have met every day, and sometimes even when I go to sleep at night. I wonder if the infants at Nutre Hogar are crying in their cribs the way they cried when we would lay them down after playing with them and feeding them. I wonder if the young boys and girls that we met at Casa Esperanza are safe, even though I know that they are in constant confrontation with adversity. I know that worrying doesn’t help, but it’s hard not to. However, I would rather focus on the time that we spent at these shelters interacting and playing with the children. I hope that I made at least a fraction of the impact on their lives as they made on mine.

Also, this trip has really made me want to start devoting more time to the hungry and impoverished right here at home. Though the situations may not be as grave, Tampa certainly shares common poverty issues with Panama. I think that sometimes it takes a trip abroad to recognize that these problems are everywhere, and that you don’t necessarily have to travel across the country to do your part to help.